Jokes

[arcia]

New Website so means a new jokes section

Remember no matter how terrible, depraved or cheesy the joke is post it here :D

[Guvner]

What do you call an epilieptic in a pile of leaves?

Rustle

[Bokeh]

What's worse than a dead baby?

- A container full of dead babies

What's worse than a container full of dead babies?

- One of them at the bottom is still alive

What's worse than than one still being alive?

- He's eating his way outside

What's worse than him eating his way outside

- When he gets out he's going back for another meal.

yes i know it's terrible :P

[Guvner]

How do you get a container full of dead babies into a lorry? With a pitchfork

[Henke]

A man walks into a shop and asks the salesperson "I'd like to to buy 2 wasps please" the salesman confused says "We don't sell wasps" to this the man replies "then why do you have 2 in your window?"

A rabbit walks into a bar and says "Can I have 4 carrots please" the baman answers "Sorry this is a bar we don't sell carrots" the rabbit leaves. The next day the rabbit returns and asks "Can I have 4 carrots plz" the barman becoming annoyed says " I told you yesterday this is a bar we do not sell carrots". The next day the rabbit returns again and asks for the 4 carrots the barman now very angry threatens "I've told you twice before we don't sell carrots and If you come in again and ask for carrots I'll nail your paws to the bar". On the forth day the rabbit returns and asks"Do you have any nails?" The barman replies"No we dont have any nails" To which the rabbits asks"Can I have 4 carrots plz".


Fancy a game of Hangman?

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M _ _ K S P _ _ G _ T _ ?

[Girlmagic]

Some more Mark ones :

Mark speight only hung himself in paddington because he missed the train to bridgend
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Network rail have promised to look into the waiting times at paddington station after mark speight was left hanging around for 6 days
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Natasha Collins and Mark Speight really were the perfect couple....
One was steaming hot, the other was well hung!
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I am soooo gonna burn

[Girlmagic]

Owners of the house destroyed by a plane in kent have said that next time they go on holiday they promise to turn the landing lights off.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way when he said elements of Sharia Law should be introduced into British Society.

The British weather has been declared Muslim.

It's either Sunni or Shiite

[sacha]

erm.....who or what is mark speight?

/flame me now

and a reaaaaalllly bad one which only certain people will get:

Q: What do you call a vegetarian chaos space marine?
A: A Quorn Berzerker

[Bokeh]

geek!

Q: what does a vegetarian zombie say?
A: graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

[Girlmagic]

erm.....who or what is mark speight?

Mark Speight present(ed) childrens TV shows including an art show. He hung himself recently.

[sacha]

Ah ty, I guess we wouldn't know...

[Ursula]

Man Utd Viruses

Be on the lookout for a new breed of 'Evil Manc' computer viruses that could seriously affect / infect your PC.

There are many varieties of this virus, each affecting your computer in a different way. Details of each Variant of this virus are shown below.

The Manchester United Virus - This where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about every thing before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus - Designed to drain your bank account This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months.

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Solskjaer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get into the net often failing completely.

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.

The Fabien Barthez virus - You just can't save anything.

Laurent Blanc virus - Makes your Computer go really slow and Creates big holes in your Hard-Drive!

The Phil Neville virus - The worst of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal. Also weakens all communications within the network

[MFive]

Cat pushed into a pool

There's a cat and a rooster.

The rooster pushes the cat into the pool and the rooster laughed.

The moral of the story is... a wet pussy makes the cock happy. :eek:

[Bokeh]

rofl that's so terrible it's actually funny

[Henke]

2 Midgets go to Las Vegas on holiday so one night they are out having a great time gambling, drinking and hanging around in strip clubs. One midget says to the other "Why don't we get a couple of Hookers and head back to our hotel room" the other agrees.

So in the dark that night one of the midgets is in bed with the prozzie and he just can't get an erection and to make matters worse all he can hear in the next bed is his mate going "1-2-3 /grunt, 1-2-3 /grunt"

Next morning stting over breakfast one midget says to the other "I had a terrible time last night I couldn't get it up - its soo embarassing" The other midget replies...

"Thats nothing I couldn't even get onto the bed"

[TheJim]

Q. Whats green and red and lies in the gutter?

A. Injured snot.

[TheJim]

3 men in a hot air balloon, english man an chinese man and a scottish man.
the hot air ballon is falling because of too much weight, so they all decide to throw something that they have alot of out.

the chinese man throws out curry's, they ask "why'd you do that for?" he replies "got loads of those in our country"

the scottish man throws out thistles, they ask "why'd you do that for?" he replies "got loads of those in our country"

the english man throws out the chinese man, the scottish man asks "why'd you do that for?" he replies "got loads of those in our country"

[Bokeh]

A rogue's in a bar having a beer with a Paladin...
Rogue: So what's the hardest part of being a Paladin?
Paladin: Telling my parents that I'm gay...


i lol'ed

[arcia]

A funny one I found on the anime forum I read:

There are 7 kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you & your partner usually have sex only in the bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But it's not enough to live on.

[MFive]

Just heared this one on the radio.

A man was lying in bed with his new thai bride and she was rubbing his penis all the time. He sad to her, you must like my penis a lot since you rub it all the time.
She sad no, I just miss mine.

[Pookey]

5 Signs you may be a Taliban:

1: You have more wives than teeth.

2: You own a $5000 rocket launcher but can't afford shoes.

3: You refine Heroin but have a moral objection to Beer.

4: You think vests come in 2 styles: Bullet proof and Suicide.

AND MOST SIGNIFICANTLY!!!!

5: You wipe your ARSE with your hand BUT consider Bacon unclean!!!!!!

[Girlmagic]

Nicked these off another forum that I'm a mod on :)

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No......not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


Mick appeared on the Irish version of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.

'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'to get the £1 million, you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question . . . will you have a go?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'OK. The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT build its' own nest?' (a) Robin (b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush.'

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,

'so I'll use my last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon.'

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Foockin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple . . . it's a Cuckoo.' answer C.

'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.

'I'm foockin sure Mick.'

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter,

'I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer.'
answer C.

'Is that your final answer? Lock it in? asked the host.

'Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed,

'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy - how in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds.'

'Ah bejaysus!' laughed Paddy.

'Everybody knows a foockin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are travelling with you?',to which Paddy replies 'I don't know,It's your f**king plane'!!

and one for Andy :
A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the betamax recorder!!

:P

[Jaynie]

BRAVE MAN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.'

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of
coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on
the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped
off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a
small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and
picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[Henke]

OK guys this is my favourite joke of all time....I don't know where I heard it but I have taken it as my own. I have embellished it here a little to build the suspense and its better to be told than to read. Enjoy.



Its August 1962 and the World is still in shock after the tragic death of Marilyn Monroe.

A mortuary worker is having a quiet night his place of work when they quickly wheel in a body and his boss says to him “Eddie you’ll never guess who is under that sheet...its Marilyn Monroe.”

“You’re shitting me” replies Eddie astounded.

“No but as you can imagine the press are all over this thing trying to get pictures of her body and NO ONE has to see the body” says the boss.

Finally the boss leaves and Eddie remembering his best pal Frank is a HUGE Monroe fans he gives him a call.

“Frank you’ll never guess who we have in here....The wheeled Marilyn in 30minutes ago”.

“What your kidding me - such a tragic way to go” says Frank

Eddie...“Do you want to come over and see the body?”

“Yeah I’d love to - I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” says Frank.

Frank arrives and Eddie shows him into the morgue and pulls out the tray with the stars body on it and proceed to pull down the white sheet to reveal her serene, white face.

Frank after a few minutes in awe says: ”She’s still so beautiful....is it possible I could, you know see her breasts?”

Eddie replies ”Sorry mate thats a bit sick” slightly shocked.

“C’mon there is 50 Bucks in it for you” retorts Frank

“Ah well why it its not hurting anyway” says Eddie gets his $50 and slowly pull the sheet down to reveal the great bosom of the America siren.

Frank spends a few minutes admiring the body and then looks Eddie right in the eyes and says ”Can I see her vagina?”

Eddie this time truly shocked “No way man, thats over the line have some respect for the dead - I thought better of you”

Frank expecting this reply responds ”If you show me her vagina I’ll give you my Rolex its worth $600. No one will ever know I’ve seen it”.

Eddie thinks about it for a few seconds and agrees he removed the sheet and the stars body is there totally naked, lifelike yet without life.

Frank is amazed, he spends a few minutes gazing at wonder at the stunning blonde lying on the cold steel bed. Frank seemingly lost in thought walks around the morgue as if weighing up a momentous decision.

He finally breaks the eerie silence by saying ”Hear me out before you respond and try to keep an open mind...I assume after you no one will see the body again before the funeral.”

Eddie really worried now says ”Yes the police and authorities are finished with it, I’ll dress it and put it in the coffin for burial. No one will see it again.”

Frank: “OK.......(pause for dramatic effect)....Can I have her vagina”

Eddie erupts “No, never - get out of her thats an abuse...have some respect for the dead”

Frank waits for Eddie to stop ranting and calmly says “If you give me her vagina I’ll give you my Alfa Romeo”

Eddie stunned stops in his tracks, he had always wanted an Alfa but would never afford one and Franks was new and top of the line.

After a half an hour of deliberation and cajoling from Frank his friend agrees.

Eddie gets his implements out and proceeds to remove the stars genitals and says “Do you want me to wrap it for you?”

Frank says....

“No thanks I’ll eat it on the way home”

[MFive]

You realy are a sick puppy :o